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Animal Warfare
19 September 2007


Unsurprisingly, no one had any good share housing stories. I did find a site that had oodles of them already though - www.weirdflatmate.com. It’s way more interesting. Go look. I’ll still be here when you get back.

So, Russia recently unveiled its new invention, the father of all bombs. Why exactly Russia seems eager to restart a Cold War arms race is a profound mystery, given that it didn’t turn out so great for them last time. What, did someone figure out what they had done wrong, and were sure they’d get it right this time?

Either way, it’s starting to seem like the whole world is gearing up for war these days, with the nuclear proliferation treaty becoming progressively weaker, the United Nations almost irrelevant, blah blah blah blah. This is all well and good for most countries with their missile silos and large armies, but what about Australia? I don’t think many Australians really believe that if, say, China or Indonesia decided to invade on a whim, that the security agreement with America or Japan would really hold that much water, especially if they’ve got their own troubles to deal with. What would Australia do then? Supposedly we have a pretty sweet SAS force, but they’re a rather small group of people. No matter how awesome they are, I’m rather sure that if it came to a war of attrition, we’d lose simply due to numbers. And it’s not like the Australian populace could rise up and do much about it, either. Very few people own guns. Heck, even the police force seem pretty unfamiliar with the use of firearms. And as far as I understand it, the favourite strategy is to give everything north of Brisbane up without a fight.

There is one natural resource Australia could use to protect itself, however – wildlife! Admittedly, this isn’t a new idea – both armies and guerilla fighters alike have been training dogs for years now, but they’re not thinking widely enough. Just consider how some of following species could be used to swell the ranks of our army.


Snakes

It’s a pretty well known fact that Australia has a large number of poisonous snakes. It’s also a well known fact that a large number of people have a phobia of snakes. Even people who don't have a phobia of snakes are usually pretty freaked out when one slithers towards them unexpectedly. Snakes are also small, low-to-the-ground moving targets that would be difficult to shoot and kill. Drive a couple of hundred snakes towards an enemy battalion and watch the chaos ensue.

The Taipan, the deadliest snake in the world.
Imagine fifty of these ALL COMING TOWARDS YOU.

Cane Toads

Cane toads are also poisonous – could unleashing a plague of cane toads on an enemy camp be considered biological warfare? I’m not entirely certain how effective cane toads would be in reducing enemy numbers, but it would probably freak out a few people, and if they killed them all, it would smell really, really bad.

Cane toad thwacking is a popular Australian past-time.  You cannot be considered properly Australian without doing it at least once.
All glory to the Hypnotoad!

Lorikeets

Two words: Psychological Warfare.

Look at their evil red eyes.  Don't they inspire fear?
If you don't think these delightful creatures are threatening, you've never heard the sound they make when a thousand of them get together in one place at sunset.

Koalas

Drop Bears. We can protect the forests and bush areas by training koalas to drop from the trees and eat people’s brains. Then when the enemy soldiers are so paranoid about looking up to check for drop bears, that’s when we release the snakes.

Yes, I know, I've used this photo before.  There didn't seem any point in stealing a new one when there was already one uploaded.
That's the sleepy expression of a cold-blooded killer.

Kangaroos

Australia has more kangaroos than people. Even better, they’re marsupials with large pouches, just perfect for concealing bombs in. Stuff that pouch full of explosives, decorate it with a convincing joey head, and you’d probably run out of explosives before you’d run out of suicide bombers. Even better, there’s not a whole lot that can stop a kangaroo when it gets going. Fences shorter than two meters are scarcely a bother; they’ll just jump right over them. Kangaroos are pretty quick when they get going, too, and damn near impossible to kill. Sometimes you can even hit the bastards with a car and the car will be the one to come out worse from the exchange.

Kangaroos can also be used for hand-to-hand fighting and to drown any dogs the unimaginative enemy might have trained.

Picture taken from the animal olympics in China last year.  Hey, I'm just TALKING about exploiting animals, they're already doing it!  (To hilarious effect, I might add).
Is that makeup... or BLOOD?

And finally...

Cats

Feral cats are considered a bit of a problem in Australia. Rather than cull them with poison, why not make use of CAT GRENADES?!

All ur cheezeburger are belong to me!
The best part is that no training is actually required. Just a good throwing arm.

Any members of PETA reading this can send their complaints to grandevina@lycos.com with “The Tomes” somewhere in the subject heading. For all the non-Australians reading this: Bring it on, bitches! We’ve got DROP BEARS.