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Bogan Mating Rituals
8 February 2007

I've long wondered why exactly it is that bogans drive around with their music up so loud that they wouldn't possibly be able to distinguish anything beyond the bass beat from within the car. The general consensus seems to be that it's all an attempt to pick up girls, but that doesn't make any sense, because what are the girls supposed to do? Chase after the car and throw themselves on the bonnet? Run out onto the street and start dancing around it when it pulls up to a stoplight?

This confusion lasted until three days ago, at which point I had the opportunity to witness for myself the bogan mating ritual in action.

You see, the loud music and whistling when bogans drive past girls by the side of the road isn't just to pick up any girl - they're after a very specific type of girl. In other words, a female bogan. Even though it's technically incorrect, let's call them a bevan.

In this case when the car of 19-21 year old bogans performed their custom as they drove past a pair of girls, one of them responded by quickly flashing her bra. And lo and behold, the car actually did the block and came back around, then pulled up beside the pair of bevans and two parties began to converse. I was walking past at this point, and so was briefly close enough to hear them exchange a couple of sentences which seemed to be composed almost entirely of swear words linked together by words like 'and' and 'the' in what could have been sentences.

I had other things to do, so I have no idea what happened after that. But as I walked away, it dawned on me that I had just witnessed a bogan mating ritual in action, and couldn�t help but marvel at the depth there was to it. It's actually a highly effective way of separating potential bevans from regular girls, and once they start communicating they can confirm the other as a potential mate if she can accurately understand their special form of swearing as language.

I wonder if they're even aware of it. It seemed instinctual.

If I may digress - swearing certainly has its place in society. If, for example, you have just had a steel rod slammed through your hand, or perhaps a child has just shredded your entire collection of rare books, you would be perfectly within rights to swear. In fact, it could almost be considered UNNATURAL if you didn�t. Swear words are necessary for emphasising just how incredibly ANGRY you are right at that moment. They�re like special industrial-strength punctuation marks.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people who don't understand this and get overtly offended by swearing. People who substitute baby-talk for swear words don't get the point. I have a great deal more respect for people who circumvent the problem by swearing in foreign languages, firstly because this is a classy display of intellectualism, and secondly because it gets the point across without offending all of the prudes out there. Even if you happen to come across someone else who knows or is native to the language, they are more likely to be impressed by your linguistic skills than offended, and you will both share a knowing glance and a hearty laugh at your secret joke. Everybody wins.

Bogans, on the other hand, completely miss the point of swearing. When one is saying 'Let's fucking go to the fucking movies already, fuckers!' and 'It was a fucking great party, they had fucking cakes, fucking balloons, fucking everything!' (Both of those are real quotes, by the way) they've stopped communicating in regular English and have instead developed their own dialect. I believe, given the tone of voice and context, the correct translations of the aforementioned sentences from Boganese were 'Let's hurry up and get to the movies, my friends!' and 'It was an awesome party; they had cakes, balloons, and a lot of drunk people having sex!' To the uneducated, at first glance it might have appeared that the movie-goers were enemies and that the cakes and balloons were all having intercourse, but this would be incorrect.

It does appear that an evolution of sorts is occurring in humanity at the moment - there are the bogan and bevan cultural types who have a vocabulary of about four hundred words that inevitably seek out like-minded individuals with which to produce bogan children, and then there's the intellectual aristocracy who refuse to be encumbered by anyone who hasn't read the entire Iliad. Sure, at the moment there's a whole swathe of the population that falls in-between these two extremes, but just as soon as the literati develop their own mating rituals that are as effective as that of bogans, I think we'll see the gap start to widen until there are actually two different species of humans. Like orangutans and chimpanzees.

What would the mating ritual of a Mensa member be, do you think? Would they pose a philosophical question and observe their target's response? Make witty puns that only students of language would understand, and zero in on anyone who laughs? Of course, the mentally acute would naturally be offended by the mere suggestion that humans were on the same level as a peacock that fluffs up its feathers to attract members of the opposite sex, but it's fun to think about, isn't it?

Prudes offended by this topic can send the details of their moral outrage to grandevina @ with the spaces removed and 'The Tomes' somewhere in the subject line. Bogans, however, can refrain from doing so, unless the intention is, of course, to flame me. Because generally people who intend to flame will do it whether you ask them to or not. Go ahead. Prove me wrong.

Now that I've once again trapped you in a paradox, I'm done with abusing the Internet for the day. Go pet a kitten or something; it'll make you feel better.