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Christmas Gifts For People You Hate
5 December 2007

Indeed, the Christmas season if upon us, and has been since September as far as retailers everywhere are concerned. Australia really needs to create a holiday sometime in November like the United States has to curb the retail frenzy to a more reasonable time frame. Either way, that's another topic altogether; today, I'm talking about gift giving. Specifically, the huge amounts of crap that gets given out that those kitschy stores ONLY seem to manage to sell at Christmas.

You think socks for Christmas is bad? At least you can USE socks, for awesome
home-made puppet shows if nothing else. This gift list isn't the list of things you want to get people for Christmas. This list is for your worst enemies and people you want to permanently estrange yourself from in as polite and painless way as possible.

Let�s start with the most obvious and prolific bad gift:

Bath Shit
All manner of Bath Shit is a bad present. Soap? A not-so-subtle way to imply that the recipient smells! Bath bombs? Not only are these stupid, but with water restrictions, harmful to the environment and certain to make whoever uses them feel guilty! It's a consumable, at least, but not the sort anyone particularly enjoys using, and if you find a store that sells the organic stuff, you might even be able to cause some allergic reactions. If you wander into the gels and shampoos, you�re essentially just doing the grocery shopping. The recipient won't necessarily hate you for it, but it�s a sure-fire way to disappoint them!

Potential for fire notwithstanding, nothing says you don't know a person and had to fall back on a generic gift like candles do. Candles are cheap, also, which is good because spending money on someone you could care less about is the epitome of waste. Who uses candles, anyway? They're frankly dangerous and with the advent of electricity almost obsolete. The only uses for candles are power outages and sEances, and in the case of the latter the individual performing it would probably be the sort of person to buy their own candles anyway.

The more embarrassing the cufflinks, the better. As it is, nobody wears cufflinks anymore, and if you buy a set bad enough, you can ensure that no one ever will. And if the poor schmuck you are giving them to is sensitive enough to wear them because they were a gift, you'll have the satisfaction of knowing you caused them deep, unending embarrassment.

This present is a good way of telling someone that they are vain, ugly, or shallow. Quite frankly, everybody already owns a mirror. It is usually located in their bathroom, and is more than serviceable for their needs. Giving people mirrors is also an effective means of inviting seven years bad luck upon them, as it's likely to be stored away in a cupboard until broken.

Puzzling Hello Kitty Products
Best given to Star Wars fans and engineers. Marvel at their automatic revulsion, and then confusion as they try to figure out what exactly you have given them.

Porcelain figurines
Even the prettiest of porcelain figures will look strange and out of place in any home. Porcelain figures only look good in store windows. They serve no purpose. You cannot use them for anything. All they do is take up space and break easily. But they are too valuable to throw out, and thus whoever you give it to will be forced to look at it and hate it every day, by proxy eventually growing to hate you. This is a sure fire way of getting you out of future present-giving events. This particular gift has the added benefit of looking like a thoughtful present when it is actually the equivalent of giving someone pink frilly socks three sizes too small.

Photo Albums
This didn't used to be such a bad present, but ever since the dawn of the digital camera photo albums are merely a relic of the past, and even more importantly, are heavy and take up valuable space! It should also be noted that photos of the gift-giver are not sentimental, but in fact, terribly vain. Fact: Assuming that someone would want to display a photo of you is the height of arrogance, unless you are under ten years old. Caution: If the recipient hates you too, this gift may backfire, as they may transform it into a dartboard.

Matchbox Cars
Best given to teenagers who�ve just recently passed their driving test. They will hate you for your terribly cruel and lame sense of humour forever.

'Happiness Boxes'
This is the best present to give to someone you hate. It costs absolutely nothing, requires almost no effort, and will cause the maximum amount of disappointment and discomfort for the recipient. These actually waste space, as they're completely useless but you can't throw them out as that's seen as particularly cold, considering the 'sentimentality' of these presents. I personally usually immediately start distancing myself from any individual that tries to give this to anyone as a gift. No doubt anybody you give this to will do the same, hopefully freeing you from them forever.

Seems sort of dark, really, a box of thoughts. You'd think, trapped in that suffocating darkness for so long that the thoughts would grow warped and twisted over time. Pandora's Box was probably an ancient 'Happiness Box' that was left closed for too long.

Poison Chocolate
Too obvious?

Happy Holidays, suckers!