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Old People Will Destroy the World
25 August 2006

It�s currently meant to be the coldest month of the year here, and we're experiencing delightfully spring-like weather. If the (somewhat belated) furore in the news recently wasn't already enough to convince people that global warming isn't just a scientific bogeyman, this almost certainly is.

This has, of course, spawned a new batch of media-driven fear-mongering (a few decades too late to really help), the most popular of which is the melting of the polar ice caps. My personal favourite has been the alarm over the increasing power of storms, fuelled by the increased water temperature in the world�s oceans. Climatologists and meteorologists alike are fretting about the fact that category 5 cyclones are probably going to become the staple weather system in the future. That's pretty good fear-mongering material, but I don't think it goes far enough. I like to tell people that in another fifty years or so, there will be massive storms with cloudbanks kilometres deep that rage on and on without stopping for a thousand years, sort of like Earth's version of Jupiter's big red spot. Of course, at that point in time these massive storms will only just be beginning their thousand-year reign of terror.

There are still plenty of people who are willing to pretend that pollution isn't causing global warming, of course. There's a whole group of individuals who believe that Earth might still be emerging from the ice age, and these temperature increases are perfectly natural. Of course, there's also the rather convincing theory that global temperature is directly inverse to the number of pirates. However, I have my own theory as to what's causing global warming: old people.

Think about that for a moment. It used to be that during the peak of every summer old geezers would be dropping like flies. But then someone invented air-conditioning and all of a sudden those elderly folk who normally would be shuffling off the mortal coil are sitting in their nursing homes in air-conditioned comfort while the rest of the world melts outside. The balance was disturbed. Natural selection was no longer taking place. Nature's solution (nature not being the sharpest stick in the bunch) was to slowly raise the temperature every year in an effort to cull these stubborn clingers-on. Add this to the aging population of baby-boomers, and if leaky air-conditioners hadn't been causing global warming before, they certainly would be now.

What nature really needs to do is lull everybody into a false sense of security, then BLAM, hit everyone with a blisteringly cold winter! By that point, everyone will have thrown out their heavy jackets and oil heaters, and Nature will bag a whole lot of people at once. Unfortunately, most of the old people will probably survive, because everyone knows that old people never throw away ANYTHING.

It�s up to us to help out if we want global temperatures return to comfortable levels! Next time that heat wave rolls around, it's your DUTY TO THE WORLD to go and sabotage as many air-conditioners as you can! Chances are if you're under thirty, you can't afford a place with air-conditioning anyway and probably never will with the current housing market, so it's not like you'd even be sacrificing any of your own comfort. Because rest assured, if the balance isn't restored, it'll be broke uni students dying off in another few summers instead of ninety-year olds.

If other people read this website, I might be worried about knee-jerk reactionary flaming E-Mails following this post. But since I already know that only three people read this website, and they've all heard me say much worse things, there's absolutely no risk of THAT.

See how easy it is to abuse the internet?

Just in case, if you want to send flaming objections over my plan to end global warming, send them here.