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KOALAS: Most Advanced Species on Earth?
25 December 2006

I propose a question. Koalas: Quite Possibly the Most Advanced Species On Earth?

After a recent visit to Lone Pine Sanctuary, I' have to say yes.

Understandably, not everyone will agree with me immediately on this issue. However, consider these arguments before forming your opinion:

First of all, Koalas sleep ALL THE TIME. Is this not enviable? Any time not spent sleeping is spent eating. This works for them, as no other animal eats Eucalyptus leaves, so they don't have to worry about some sparrow or other dirty scavenger coming and eating all of their food while they're in their semi-perpetual coma. Also, Eucalyptus trees are quite possibly the most awesome trees on the planet. The oil extracted from their leaves can be used for NEARLY ANYTHING. It smells nice, is capable of removing that irritating gunk left behind by stickers on CD cases, and is useful for suppressing symptoms of the common cold. Compare that with other foods typically eaten by animals -grass, insects and meat. Insects are both irritating and carry disease. The only thing grass is good for is producing oxygen and preventing erosion, and eucalyptus leaves can do that TOO. And most meat-eating animals function either as competition for humans or predators OF humans. I think we can agree that this is a bad thing. So if we judge a creature by its diet, koalas are indisputably wise. Furthermore, the koala doesn�t need to drink water. Oh sure, it does SOMETIMES, but only when it really wants to. Which isn�t often, considering it spends most of its day sleeping. How much more awesome would humans be if they didn't have that crippling dependency on water?

Also, consider the advanced state of evolution the koala has reached. Out of all the animals on the planet, the koala has come the closest to resembling the teddy bear. Even right down to the huggable size, incredibly thick fur, big dark eyes and comically large fluffy ears. Koalas have evolved into the perfect existence where they have actually maximized their cuteness and cuddliness in order to prompt humans to carry them from one branch to another. What other animal has actually evolved in such a manner as to enslave a more intelligent species, to the point where they would pander to its every whim? Pandas have been admittedly attempting a similar feat for many years, thriving in captivity despite being suspiciously absent in the wild, but are yet to attain the teddy-bear like status of koalas that prompts their human slaves to dote on them to extent of actually moving them to and from their sources of food. The only price they have to pay for this luxury is posing for photographs with tourists every now and again � and they can sleep through that, too!

The cuteness!  IT COMPELS YOU!
The World's Laziest Animal in one of its few lucid moments.

On the basis of these few arguments alone, I think we can safely assume that koalas are in fact the most advanced species on earth. They have even managed to outdo the sloth in terms of laziness � to the point where both their diet and appearance have been designed to accommodate sleeping for over 19 hours out of every day. I suspect that as their cuteness increases over time, koalas will soon not have to do anything other than blink sleepily, and humans shall spoon-feed them all of the eucalyptus leaves they want.

Only possible contender to the superiority of the koala: the AMAZING HEADLESS COW!

I swear that there was no photoshop involved in this.
Any creature that can survive without a head is clearly superior.

All those who disagree, send your E-Mails here.

Also, Merry Christmas.